A man and a woman were seated in a car that had been circling the same area for a half hour. The woman was saying, "Why don't we just ask someone?" The man was saying, not for the first time, "I'm sure it's around here somewhere. I'll just try this street."
Why are so many men reluctant to ask directions? Why aren't women? And why can't women understand why men don't want to ask? The explanation, for this and for countless minor and major frustrations that women and men encounter when they talk to eachother, lies in the different ways that they use language-- differences that begin with how girls and boys use language as children, growing up in different worlds.
Anthropologists, sociologists ans psychologists have found that little girls play in small groups or in pairs; they have a best friend, with whom they spend a lot of time talking. It's the telling of secrets that makes them best friends. they learn to use language to negotiate intimacy--to make connections and feel close to each other.
Boys, on the other hand, tend to play competitive games in larger groups, which are hierarchical. High-status boys give orders, and low-status boys are pushed around. So boys learn to use language to preserve independence and negotiate their status, trying to hold center stage, challenge and resist challenges, display knowledge and verbal skill.
These divergent assumptions about the purpose of language persist into adulthood, where they lie in wait behind cross-gender conversations, ready to leap out and cause puzzlement or grief. In the case of asking for directions, the same interchange is experienced differently by women and men. From a woman's perspective, you ask for help, you get it, and you get to where you're going. A fleeting connection is made with a stranger, which is fundamentally pleasant. But a man is aware that by admitting ignorance and asking for information, he positions himself one-down to someone else. Far from pleasant, this is humiliating. So it makes sense for him to preserve his independence and self-esteem at the cost of a little extra travel time.
(...) A woman and a man return home from work. She tells everything that happened during the day. (...) Then she turns to him and asks, "How was your day?" He says, "Same old rat race." (...) They have different assumptions about what's "anything" to tell. To her, telling life's daily events and impressions means she's not alone in the world. Such talk is the essence of intimacy -- evidence that she and her partner are best friends. Since he never spent time talking in this way with his friends (...) he doesn't expect it, doesn't know how to do it, and doesn't miss it when it isn't there.
[...]When a woman tells another woman about a problem, her friend tipically explores the problem; expresses understanding; or offers a similar experience. All these responses express support and bring them closer. But offering a solution positions the problem-solver as one-up. This asymmetry is distancing, just the opposite of what she was after in bringing up the discussion.
[...]But conversation among women are usually characterized by mutual support and exploration. Alternative views may be introduced, but they are phrased as suggestions and questions, not as direct challenges. This is one of the many ways that men value oppositional stances, whereasa women value harmoniousones.
[...]Women talk more at home, since talk, for them, is a way of creating intimacy. Sionce men regard talk as a means to negotiate status, they often see no need to talk at home. But they talk more in "public" situations with people they know less well.
[...]Realizing that a partner's behaviour is not his or her individual failing, but a normal expression of gender, lifts this burden of blame and disappointment. [...] Understanding gender differences in ways of talking is the first step toward changing.
------"Sex, Sighs and Conversation: Why Men and Women Can't Communicate." The Boston Globe August 5, 1990, pp. A20, A14.-------------
I cut some paragraphs because it was too long, but you can borrow my copy anytime if you want to read more. I really admire Deborah's work and I'm trying to buy some of her books. If you're interested you can visit:http://www.librarything.com/author/tannendeborah
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deborah_Tannenhttps://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/
